Thursday, 22 September 2011

A late 9/11 anniversary post

I hear you saying, “Great, not another 9/11 conspiracy article, haven’t we moved past that already”. Well, yes, we totally have. But hush for a second and hear me out, I’ve only got a few things to say, then you can get back to worrying about important things like 2012 and the end of the world. Did I say important? I meant hilarious. What follows are just three of my reasons the 9/11 conspiracy theory are so monumentally untrue.

Conspiracy theories have always bothered me, probably due to the people who believe them. They tend to smell of computers. You know, that leathery smell, almost wet, that reminds me of light blue handkerchiefs kept a few days too long in your granddad’s old jacket. 

Yeah, that’s what conspiracy theorists smell like. But I'm not holding that against them, everyone smells kinda funny; except hot chicks, they smell great… where was I…

The 9/11 conspiracy story grates my ears like Katy Perry’s new single (any single of hers actually). It’s remarkably stupid yet somehow everyone else around me seems to love it.

“Ooh,” they say, “the planes were actually remote controlled, no passengers died!” “Ooh, a missile actually hit the Pentagon, not a plane!” “Ooh, the World Trade Centre was actually demolished by controlled explosions!” God, the stupid, it burns me!!

Anyway, I’m pretty sure most conspiracy theorists have advanced degrees in structural engineering, so yeah, of course it makes sense that we should believe their theories rather than the actual engineers’ who were surprised at how long the towers stood up after two fully-laden aircraft rammed into them at full speed! Totally makes sense…

Number one: the 9/11 conspiracy theory is racist. That’s right, I went there. I said it was racist, what are you gonna do about it? You’re over there, and I’m over here. In fact it’s so racist that I’m not surprised white people are the main polluters of this junk. Think about it. 

What the theory implicitly states is that Arab people are too incompetent to carry out such a massive, critical attack. They’re too stupid and backward in their little tents with the funny camels to achieve the meticulous planning required to pull that off. Nope, the most likely culprits are smart white guys in the top echelon of the most powerful country on the planet. Of course the Bush administration masterminded 9/11, they’re white! However, the crazies that flew the planes weren’t stupid at all, most had advanced degrees and some specially learned to fly commercial airliners for just one trip. Can you fly a commercial airliner Mr. Conspiracy Theorist?

Second, perhaps the reason most conspiracy theorists latch so deeply onto these ideas is psychological. Not that they’re crazy or deluded. But the need to feel the world is controlled, that someone or something is behind the curtain pulling the strings as the cliché goes, (be that god or the New World Order) is fundamentally part of human nature. 

It’s no wonder that conspiracy theories pop up where they do. Real life just isn’t like the movies; all the facts aren’t laid out conveniently by the villain just as they reach for the red button. Real life is full of holes and unknowns that are ripe for imagination and conspiracy theories (essentially the same thing).

And don’t get me started on why 9/11 conspiracy theorists always drag out the odd ‘highly educated engineering professor’ who, “believes 9/11 was an inside job”. Just because the guy’s smart doesn’t mean 100% of his thoughts are reality-based. In fact smart people can believe some pretty weird things precisely because they’re smart. They can wiggle into the idea quite comfortably because they arrive at the conclusion for non-smart reasons.

The only thing separating a 9/11 “Truther” engineering professor from a standard knuckle-dragging, internet-trawling “Truther” is of the formers ability to arrive there pseudo-rationally using their years of training. 

The latter has just absorbed what they spout from the latest “documentary” with horrid backing-tracks. They end up believing the same stupid thing, but come from starkly different paths.

And three, I've just got one question for all the 9/11 conspiracy theorists: how does a government notorious for being as leaky as a sieve get the sudden upgrade to the most nefarious and diabolical institution ever devised? The U.S. Government suddenly became so enamoured with power that it sacrifices almost 3000 of its own people for god knows what?

“God, the stupid, it burns me!!”

Let’s be serious, the U.S. government may be big and powerful but it’s by no means capable of pulling off a stunt like 9/11 and keeping it secret for 10 years. And let’s get another thing straight, according to “Truthers” we’re supposed to believe a few kids analyzing old news footage and zooming in on grainy video footage like it was a nipple-slip (ooh exciting!), are the ones who’ve blown the story wide open and exposed the dastardly deeds? No way, listen to yourself.

In fact, scratch all that. Forget what I said above, I can debunk the entire 9/11 conspiracy theory and the associated lunacy of the “Truthers” in one sentence. Here we go, I hope you’re still reading at this point: The 9/11 conspiracy is untrue because all the theorists are still alive! Done. Man I’m cool.

Don’t believe me? Consider what all the “Truthers” say: The U.S. government is so powerful and corrupt that morals, constitution, ethics be damned they carefully planned and implemented a conspiracy to kill thousands of Americans for purposes best left imagined than described. 

They covered their tracks so well they thought they’d never be found out, until a few college drop-outs cottoned on to their devilish plans and made a movie called “Loose Change” (go see it if you’re planning a quiet evening of gouging out your own eyes and feeding them to a small balding rat-monkey). This movie would go on to expose all the cover-ups and lies and prove that the New World Order conspired to orchestrate 9/11. All thanks to a couple of overenthusiastic kids with a lot of time of their hands. Cue applause…

This is what you have to believe if you’re a “Truther”. There’s no getting around it. A government with such plans and power that can’t round up or “disappear” a few meddling kids, simply shouldn't be feared. A government that can’t even do that really is an incompetent government.

My advice is, just because there’s a few holes in a standard theory don’t go all Fight Club on us and start imagining things that aren't there (spoiler alert! Oh, was I too late? Have I ruined the film for you? Who cares, you should have seen it by now anyway, do you live under a rock or something?).

But in all seriousness, there actually was a conspiracy on that bright Autumn morning in September ten years ago. That conspiracy included 19 Arab men hijacking four commercial airliners and, using them as weapons, guided them into symbolic buildings in American cities, all but one succeeding. This is the real conspiracy and we should all remember that this year.